Hope Is Scary

I haven’t written in a while, so I figured what the heck? I’ll admit that lately, putting my feelings into words has not come easily. I’m not sure I even know how I feel anymore!

To say that it’s been a rough couple of years is a gross understatement. Most anyone who has ever read my blog, knows about our son, Tucker. Y’all, addiction is a nasty, evil thing. It takes a toll on everyone in its path. And I’ll say this, when you experience a significant clean time, with your addicted loved one, a relapse is a serious punch in the gut! I mean, they get clean and live a normal life for a year or so and you feel like God has answered your prayers! You rejoice because the promises God made you have finally come to pass! Then BAM! In the blink of an eye you’re right back to square one. Knocked down. Battered. Ripped to shreds. Defeated.

Those of you who love an addict know exactly what I’m talking about. If it’s your child, all the hopes and dreams you had for them as a young child are repeatedly torn to pieces. Just when you think, “this is it!”, it’s not. In the beginning it’s so easy to hope. “They’ll get it together and finish college, get married, raise kids, and live happily ever after!” As time dwindles on, after being disappointed time and time again, your hopes become more sparse, for lack of a better word. You don’t want to hope big because, quite frankly, why bother? And hear me out on that. I don’t necessarily blame it on my son. He didn’t choose to be an addict. I’ve done drugs and I’m not an addict?? I blame it on the devil. Sometimes I even blame it on God. Either way, it feels like it’s a power bigger, and stronger than anything in me! About half the time I want to throw up my hands and say, screw all this! The other half of the time, I know God has a plan. Maybe I’m spiritually bi-polar?!? All I know is, hope is scary.

Maybe that’s why God tells us that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed nothing will be impossible for us, Matthew 17: 20. Maybe that’s why it’s important to surround ourselves with likeminded, Christian people, because when our faith is weak they can stand in the gap for us? I know I’m thankful for everyone who has prayed for my family! I know this, even when I’m mad, hurt, disappointed and feel like giving up, my God never does! He understands our frustrations even when we don’t! He never turns His back when we’re pitching a fit like a toddler. His love never weakens just because ours does. And for that, I’m thankful!

Right now Tucker is clean. He’s in jail, but he’s clean! He sounds great! He looks great! It’s so nice to see and hear! Am I scared to hope? Dang right I am! Am I still going to hope? Dang right I am! At least about half the time 😉. The other half I’ll probably be whining😁. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know God hasn’t given up on Tucker, (or me either for that matter) so I guess I wont either!

*Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. Isaiah 40:28.